he was playing drums on rock band as i poured bailey's into his mouth. tell me that's not a bonding moment.
All I know is that it's pretty damn mean to put a glass wall in a bar.
i just like, need to vent to someone
Can we skip the part where I pretend to care and fast forward to the appreciative blowjob from you?
You drunk dialed me and told me to jump out of my second story window so I could give you head. I almost considered it.
Maybe if more guys knew my pillowtalk occasionally includes me scribbling notebook diagrams of cell signalling pathways, I'd get laid more often
So. How about you can get tequila certified...
also Jesus you really need to change your diet. I just washed your baby gravy out of my hair and it's so acidic my hair is damaged. You have killer sperm
Who wrote "the chamber of secrets has been open, enemies of the heir beware" across my bathroom wall?
I'm sitting in Starbucks, waiting for direction in my life, or it to be 8 p.m. Whatever comes first.
Buy Actually if the police need to find my body I'm on an air mattress in an apartment near a McDonald's that's all I see out dat Window
Totally clawed myself in the face during sex. I can die happy?
Wanna play whack-a-mole in my pants?
Your word choices worry me.
He'd rather cuddle with his shitty little miniature dog than the half naked girl in his bed. I've lost all hope for him and my vagina
Are you okay? You're not sitting at home on facebook. I'm worried about you.
How do I say “I have great tits” without it sounding awful
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