I am sitting on my kitchen floor drunk with a bottle of jose cuervo, tryin to make cinnamon rolls and write a paper. I love college
he took off my shirt and said 'oh my god the legends are true'
I'm returning our mountain of beer cans, while wearing a Budweiser sweatshirt. i don't look like an alcoholic.
She can drink whiskey without a chaser and has a fridge full of whipped cream. Girlfriend potential
A girl at the bar is wearing green body paint instead of a shirt. Where are you?!
Alright, text me when you get close. I've got a mustache and I'm ready to get my day drunk on.
Don't patronize me, I thought of that on peyote, so it was basically like a message from God.
Also, I cannot stop picturing myself in a bar, 3 years from now ordering soda. Just soda. 30 pounds over weight and wearing a cat sweater. I feel like I'm heading in the wrong direction in life.
I figured working in my office on the 34th floor I'd be safe railing xanax off my desk. Of course, I snort it just in time for the window washer guy to give me a thumbs up.
The multiple male orgasm is a real thing. I've seen it. I've caused it. I called him a unicorn.
you know she was a bad idea when your mom offers to pay for an eHarmony account
He tried to break dance on the island in the kitchen and ended up knocking over everyone's alcohol onto the floor then yelled "GUCCI" before vomiting
EITHER I'M HIGH OR JUST REACHED A NEW LEVEL OF SINGLE FEMALE SADNESS BECAUSE THIS BROWNIE IS GIVING ME ORGASMS
The guy I hooked up with last night left me alone with his dog AND IT JUST SHIT ON THE FLOOR. WHAT DO I DO
Yesterday I went home with one shoe, today I go home with three. Fucking win.
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