my dad just secretly slid me a nugg in front of my mom. remind me why I moved away for college??
The only reason why I invited him to my party was because he is suicidal.
I can't believe you made out with me with a french fry in your mouth.
no more everclear, i just stood next to the toilet and peed my pants. then went back to the party soaking wet.
And then I interrupted the father of the groom, to ask if she was "ballet or pole" in the middle of his story about his niece, the dancer.
Good news.. I found out what I did Saturday night. Bad news... I found out what I did Saturday night.
Breakfast-of-shame with my mother. I was in half of a sexy Mad Hatter costume. We had artisan bagels and judgement.
It's nights like those I refer to my life motto: You can't be just friends with someone after you've seen their genitals.
Yea we slept in ur room but im 80% sure we didnt have any peanut butter in there
Who knew you could get a drunk in public when jogging with your dog?
How is there no taco emoji?! That's some bullshit.
Liar. My heart is broken and my boobs are disappointed.
Do I need to call and sing lullabies? Because that's creepy, but I'm a really good friend.
If I was banging all the guys that people think I am, I'd quit buying batteries.
oh and i figured out why we kept smelling vomit. ive got vomit on my socks. putting the heater on my feet was not the best of ideas.
Randomize
