All I seem to do lately is get myself off, take naked pictures and drink beer. I don't know if thats a good or bad thing.
I'm sorry i'm just too high to handle anything besides pirates of the caribbean right now.
My wife googled 'purchase vibrator.' Not sure if I should be excited or offended.
We've had the 'life would be so much better if we were both lesbians' conversation too much for that to be okay.
well when mom kept referring to my "black hole of a vagina" and how i devoured all the nuts at the party like i was a pro, i figured my stay was up.
When we started taking double shots of vodka and chasing it with a lick of fruit roll-ups, I knew there'd be hell to pay in the morning.
She got a text from her mom saying "you better not sleep with him, we all know how he is". IV ONLY BEEN HERE A WEEK
Let me start this apology by saying I'm sorry that I bit your penis.
Just walked out of my apartment and came face to face with a shirtless dude playing with his balls and trying to tie his shoes.
She keeps telling me I can't keep feeding the dog my food. I gave half the weed brownie to the dog and half to me. I just want it to taste the greatness of cheezits like I am.
omg this is getting ridiculous. nobody's vagina should ever be this neglected.
Again? Most people check out of hotels, they don't escape from them
Dude. Steinbecking. It's when you double-fist coffee and alcohol to help you meet a writing deadline.
And suddenly....Tubas. Tubas everywhere.
He asked me to fly out to Seattle to participate in a week of marathon sex so I'm at the airport now. I'll call you when I get back.
Randomize
