just had a super intense, drunken debate about which blink182 member is the most fuckable. i got so mad i left the room. new low.
Is a box of franzia too insincere of a gift for "i'm sorry I backed into your toddler with my car"?
i made potato chips in weed oil. what did you do today?
I am the master of subtle flirting. I seduced him by simulating a hand job with an epi-pen during training.
She stopped mid hookup to ask me if we'd be done before Taco Bell closed.
He also informed us that it's rude to shove your tit in someone's mouth. Happy Monday.
She just kept saying "bless your heart" to him while he cried because he came so fast. I think a Texas woman was just what he needed
I just fucked her in her boyfriends bathroom... he was in the room sleeping.
i spent my morning giving relationship advice to the kid i had sex with on a kitchen table this weekend
That hot guy i showed you guessed my exact bra size. I want to have his tan babies.
Giving the guy pizza was a good idea. Leaving him naked on the pool table makes you my hero
I got with him in my watermelon costume so ya you owe me $1
If one more dude who finds out I'm a cop asks to see me in uniform I'm gonna become asexual
I woke up, topless, my car was parked funny so I threw on my hoodieto go fix it and found a jello shot in my pocket. where did I go last night?!
Soon to be ex is nowhere to be found. Her attorney/new BF just showed up. 30 minutes late looking hungover. Pretty sure I'm getting the kids AND the house!
Randomize
