Houston.. we have a drinking problem..
My t9 writes chubies instead of bitches.
either way. win, win.
don't wear any deodorant. we have to do everything we can to sabotage this wedding
im a genious. moved my bed and mirror so i can watch the game while Fucking
there's got to be a less slutty way to tell him the baby isn't his
why do the even put the "Please drink responsibly" on tequila ads? like has anything responsible ever come from tequlia. No. never.
Girl walking by was talking on the phone about how he needed to write a gratitude list in her letter to god this week. Too stoned
Dude, its flawless. what could go wrong?
Jail. That could go wrong.
I can't handle dick pics with conversational captions
I think he's like 40 and maybe a little sociopathetic and i have never been so turned on
Another text to add to the intervention pile, i see
listen i get youre a daddy dom but that doesnt give you a pass to make dad jokes
About to wash down a xan with an iced pumpkin spiced latte from starbs and I feel like I've never lived up to my stereotype so much at one time
He eats ass but won’t hold open doors. My kinda guy.
Chivalry really is dead.
I don't know who's idea it was to get wine for a frat party but my poor pitiful hung over self really fucking hates them.
I kept my extra Molly pill in my wallet in the change part, that's also where I keep my body jewelry while I'm working. The nose ring punctured the pill essentially coating itself in MDMA. My nose ring is back in my nose. This could be entertaining
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