I just ate a cockroach and I want to be a fire truck.
You covered in salsa con queso would take care of all of my cravings right now
While he was going down his phone rang and he answered saying I'll call you later I'm eating.
He's stoned as shit, eating breakfast cereal and taking a dump. All while listening to dubstep. We may never understand him.
The question is do I invite my fuck buddy to my graduation party now that my girfriend found out about her?
I was too sleepy and drunk to verbally annihilate anyone and ruin their reason for being. So i just opted to sleep with the fitted sheet on the floor
My goal for tonight is to swipe my debit card through those weird rolls on the back of a big bald guy's head.
A girl told me I was her "alcohol spirit animal" tonight. Somehow I think my whole life was secretly building up to this moment
Drunk girl in a bikini just tried to bite my face, it's officially spring break
I have a better chance beating China's military with slap bracelets than this plan has of working.
i wore just an American flag as my costume-huge success. 20 people pledged allegiance to my ass including a senior frat boy at the keg. God bless America.
He named his newborn baby after a character in the Hobbit and that is literally keeping me up at night.
just saw the most amazing side boob. i wanted to hold it.
in fetal position in his closet not sure if he knows im here... hugging his spongebob cake pan i stole.... now please come find me..
breakfast this morning: omelette, Valium and baileys hot chocolate
Now that sounds like the breakfast of champions
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