omg... punch me in the throat... I am about to lose my mind with my parents.. I'm not saying I agree with the menendez brothers.. but I understand
Sooo, drunk me had the sense of mind to write down everything that happened last night.....I bet you thought you'd get away with what you did to my parrot.
His facebook interests include 'unstrapping velcro'.
i DID NOT walk around with my knees bent and my hands behind my back with long spandex and underarmour pretending to be Apollo Ono
I should have kept drinking, a coma can't be as bad as this hangover
Ok love is a little strong. But he consented to Nachos, beer and board game date with my cats. Keeper.
Would it help you get over me if I told you that I had unprotected sex last night?
I don't know what to tell you, usually I would just ask if they'd like to meet the captain. If you can't get laid it's your problem.
I cannot tell if the couch is cold or I spilled beer. THAT kind of night.
YOU NEED TO STOP BLOWING DUDES ON MY COUCH AT MY PARTIES
YOU NEED TO STOP PROVIDING TEQUILA AT YOUR PARTIES
I woke up still drunk to a beautiful tattooed columbian man making me pancakes. How's your memorial day?
Yup on the verge of buzzed and drunk. I managed to make my way into my cat's box house to fall asleep. I'm comfortable
I know it's 10:30am but Finding Dory starts in an hour, and I have four points of molly. You down?
dude it's 9am and i'm still drunk it's too early for sexting
You're not who I thought you were. You've changed.
I butt dialed her mom while cheating on her. Needless to say Christmas will be awkward.
Randomize
