i woke up with someone drivers licenses in my wallet this am...he said i don't have a business card so just take my drivers license
Your sister got a Brazilian yesterday. It looks great
We should be flying into LAX instead so when we land I can turn to the right and see the Hollywood sign
You can't even see the fuckin Hollywood sign from LAX. guess she never got the memo
I just remember standing in the shower with you eating chips.
I was so high that i was talking shit about a girl I was with via text, and I handed the phone to her so she could type the shit I was trying to say.
this is probably the only time in my life that i would want to fuck thomas jefferson
My drug dealer is making me hot tea during the snowstorm...I'm a fan.
My dad just bought me a 40. I consider this our peace treaty.
What does that mean when you have a child masturbating in your dream? Is that weird?
Thank you for deleting me from Instagram. Also, I'm carrying your child. Happy new year!
I may have had several rum punches and then gone to the store and used European cucumbers to prove my baton twirling prowess.
My cat just tried to lay on my stomach while I was masturbating. And I let her because I am so starved for affection.
I legit feel like I had sex with Joey Fatone. Is that weird?
Let's ride this possibly pregnant train together
My new gym is popular with trophy wives. They’re talking about yachts and plastic surgery
Learn their secrets! I want to meet men with Maseratis. The meat heads and Mustangs scene is getting old
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