The good thing about walking home in a dress on sunday morning is that people mistake my walk of shame as a walk to God.
We walked past a group of guys in front of a bar last night and they claimed, I quote: Wow, we'd actually have to work for that.
She was sleeping without a shirt so I thought I wouldI sneaked a peek at her nipples..than I realized they were just warts...on her back.
I'm on my fifth double. This night is getting better whether it likes it or not.
I don't think he wanted to hear that my most serious relationship was my 1 1/2 year fuck buddy... I think he figured out that's where he's heading
I'm playing a game where i judge myself by whats in my cart. Also have 3 bright red giant buckets
I dunno... But she calls vodka "dancing juice"
random memory from the wedding, the bartender show us how to open the windows of the hotel and pee out of them
I literally put my pussy on his sideburns, it was awkward
There's a lil minaj in everyone
WAIT DID YOU MAIL ME A KITTEN
I can't finger myself when I'm all distracted about whether or not your family is going to like me
I just saw a stripper light her nipples on fire. Im terrified and impressed all at the same time
If there's one thing i learned from edward 40hands is that i couldnt handle life with bottles for hands
you do realize the next step is naked mud wrestling, right?
And on the way out from Applebee's he tried to take the basket of toothpicks claiming he was using them as a tax write off. Last time I babysit my dad on thirsty Thursday.
Randomize
