im going to pretend im pregnant so i can eat a lot then i will accidentally fall down the stairs
So he says "lean over this" which is a chain across the doorway, held into the wall with bolts. I do. Then he puts his weight on top of me to try and get it in.
It breaks. We fall.
I now have a broken nose, a concussion, and an infected, split lip. Why do I have the worst luck in guys?
at some point when you're making out with the ex girlfriend of your ex fuck buddy who happens to be the ex boyfriend of the girl that you just got drunk with who was hitting on your current fuck buddy who is best friends with your ex boyfriend, it just hits you: oh my god i need to get out more and expand my social circle.
My body has become completely dependent on Text Twist. I can't poop without it.
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If i'm not hungover, near death, and wondering what i did the night before on Monday, life is not worth living.
Reason #1 for no sex outdoors: Mosquito bites. Awkward, awkward mosquito bites.
I mean, I'm not looking for prince charming. I'm looking for the glass slipper of dicks.
what part of what i said meant "bring a bowl"
"bouncy castle"
I hope he says my name when they're having anniversary sex this weekend.
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I was about to smoke a bunch of weed and lay naked while I cried all day
ur not supposed to find someone to make out with when ur bf takes u to his SISTERS house to hang out with her and her husband
We fucked to the rythmn of the thunder, it was magical
Figured out how I got so much alcohol in my hair: tried to drink my drink using my cleavage as a cup holder. Missed my drink hole and got it all in my hair
Well, my family didn't see me in my drunken super slut state at Summerfest, so there must be a God.
I need to leave my mind and my stupid vagina are having fight over who's right
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