my girlfriend just informed me I need to get tested and so do you
girlfriend?
despite contrary belief, getting peanut butter off your balls is not as easy as it sounds
a kid who worked there came up to me and let me know you were sitting in the bathroom sink. he said it was fine, so i just kept checking on you.
I've come to realize sober is a rare time of the day.
we went to the bar with our boss and you tried to play a song from the atm machine
theres 2 cans of open Campbell's soup on the counter and a note that says "guess which one is puke" ... want lunch?
You had two tasks: \n1) put on a condom \n2) text me so I don't walk in on you \nIt really isn't that hard
It's always nice when a total stranger hates your ex just as much as you think they should.
In other news: I massively over-caffeinated this morning. Everything is vibrating and I can SEE THROUGH TIME
This is me trying to take a picture to send to grandma. At 4. We were trying to look sober.
Some nights you just end up digging your mcdouble out of the trash and eating it. it happens.
I SWEAR TO ALL THAT IS HOLY I HAVE NEVER WIPED MY GENITALIA ON ANY TYPE OF EMERGENCY RESPONSE VEHICLE!!
Somehow his homemade liquor activated memories of my semester abroad three years ago. I ended up yelling random medical advice in German, while my roommates played dress-up with the cat stoned out of their minds. I consequently gave up on dating. Back in the ONS game.
The fact that a spice girls song is stuck in my head is a great sign that my decisions aren't the right ones at the moment...
These random guys found me. They told me not to wander in the woods and i remember saying 'am i fucking Bambi?! I'm not gonna walk into woods!' then i threw up.
Randomize
