Eating a burrito bowl w/ queso sauce is about as cool as the first time you have sex w/ out a condom
I'm on the strip, it's like a mini new years eve. Some girl just got taken away on a stretcher with her meter margarita in her hand claiming it's trophy for being awesome. Damn tourists are lightweights.
he's downstairs watching tv with my family... I called the home line so my mom could bring me my make up bag cause my real face would prob make him delete my number
well, 500 bucks doesn't grown on trees, and i need that bear suit for any chance of vagina access.
What's the kids name that was drinking stale beer and redbull out of the blender?
i seriously have like 9 pictures of people taking shots out of a vag on my camera....
He explained how that handle got into our fridge. I think i'm going to stick with my original assumption that the vodka gods want me to drink more vodka.
You told the cop at mobil to keep it real and look both ways before crossing the street.
Theres a 75% chance I'm wearing a hocky mask and nothing else right now
Ps I am
Dude I'm riding a fucking tortoise this is awesome you should come with me more often
Dude I thought she was trying to turn my dick inside out
He wants to pour butter pecan flavored coffee creamer on me and lick it off. I'm like, dude, gross. French Vanilla ok? Ugh.
I mean, don't most people have like a two week grace period where it's okay to ditch new friends?
I'm reading the Hobbit in my blanket fort alone with a bottle of wine... all I need is dungeons and dragons to complete this superfecta of awesome
It was probably the most embarrassing moment of my life. But I had cleavage, so I'm good!
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