i really like this girl i slept with last night
you ask her out again?
yeah but she said she is busy next weekend getting married
she asked me if i wanted her to take her wedding ring off while she was giving me a handjob.
Mark my words im gonna be the drunkest groomsman outta spite for him having his wedding on a gameday
i just figured out how to balance my wine bottle on my boobs so that i don't have to tip it with my hands...breathing has new meaning
She just cut the six pack plastic up and screamed "save the dolphins"..she also threw away cans of tuna. I like this girl.
Whiskey??
It will be at least another 6 weeks before I say yes again. I'm bruised. I stole sex cards and a really nice pocket knife. I acquired a vial of my own blood. Talk about a yard sale...
He was just lying on the living room floor watching Star Wars with six empty pack of cigarettes and two empty cases of beer.
In his defence I guess I did take the bed, couch and dining room set in the breakup.
It's not an office Christmas party until your boss confesses his undying love for your boyfriend...
He looked at me and just said "moist". The entire party shut down from uncomfortableness. He is an anti-party wizard.
So, I'm about to take my pants off in the Walmart parking lot, when am old lady parks next to me. I'm all the way in the back next to the semis. What the hell?
I dressed up as a "typical white girl" which meant I wore my yoga pants and uggs all night. BEST. IDEA. EVER. Most comfy halloween everrrr.
Was he a virgin!? DID YOU TAKE A GUY'S VIRGINITY ON MY FLOOR!?
I think the sex rug burn on my back is infected, can you check it out when you get home?
I said "one day" and that day is not today
Just keep me informed about your plans. That way i can figure out places to go and if i need to shave my balls
Randomize
