What the hell am I supposed to do with 50 gallons of mayo?
two of my INSANE ex girlfriends just texted me saying their coming over because im home alone. needless to say, im deleting my twitter.
You tried to convince me you were sober by doing jumping jacks. For an hour.
You okay?
I walked into work with a banana and a loaf of bread
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I do have a life. It just consists of making scarves and chesse straws now
You know you are 86'd from the legacy right? You can't down shots then spike the shot glass
I haven't been this unsober in a long time. I feel like I am observing myself. Like I am a test subject for alcohol. I wish my brain would shut up and let me be a normal drunk.
He wants to buy me a drink to apologize for sending me a pic of his dick. Welcome to my life.
I just told the joker that my vagina is the bat cave and he needs to infiltrate it.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
My dad made a joke about you sending me strippers for valentine's day so clearly everything here is normal
Now I just sit back and wait to give ass birth to pure evil.
DUDE I FINGERED JOE'S MOM, PLS DONT TELL HIM, MORE LATER
Just watched someone fail a field sobriety test. Miserably. At 4:50p. I think it's my future husband
God bless him
Dude i woke up today by a pile of fried chicken and wearing a bra
.......stop going to frat parties....
She woke up, mumbled "the trees" When i asked her what about them, she yelled "WE NEED THEM FOR OXYGEN," Then went back to sleep.
We need to get on her level.
Randomize