meet me in the bathroom in 10 mins.
wait what? who are you hooking up with in the bathroom?!
aww shit wrong text.
i just licked mashed potatoes off my blackberry. i'm not even ashamed to admit that to you.
the people going to church this morning while i was walking home did not seem as pleased as i was with how many beads i earned last night
i've got to stop sleeping with short guys. they always turn into stage 5 clingers
My cleaning lady just walked in the kitchen and i had a hardcore boner. I dont know what awkward is anymore
He was the drug dealer that jumped out of his car to get my number
2 rounds of irish car bombs have already been taken to your 5 year sober anniversary
Do not buy whiskey under any circumstances. There should be a UN sanctioned buffer zone between me and Seagrams.
Either I'm drunk or judge Judy has 3D commercials...so I think I'm drunk. Also I may or may not haven eaten a hoagie on the toilet when I didn't want to stand up
why would you automatically assume i'm high...
you just told me you're eating the powder of a lemonade mix.
If you're not peeing in public bi-monthly, you're not really living.
I just got back to our room ....neither of us spent the night there but both our beds are occupied. send help.
Dude mama brought home the bacon, i got his HBO account i guess that makes up for his by par skills in bed.
I just turned down an invite to sit on a face. IDK who I am.
What? Are you sick?
We are totally like Jim and Pam, except ya know, drunk and not together anymore.
Randomize
