The guy dancing on me has three visible teeth. WHERE ARE YOU?
God is so good, I would give him a blow job right now.
he wrote me a grocery list while i was passed out. every other item was gin. it went on for 4 pages.
Just went through campus. In the span of 2 min I saw 4 places I've had sex. And thats just down one street. Man do I miss college.
So as your former husband, I get to give you away at the wedding right?
You know it's bad when I can already feel tomorrow's hangover before even drinking today.
If you want me to retract my crazy cat lady comments pictures of yourself dressed as a cat are not the way to do it.
Its mothers day, andI woke up with 12 bar stamps on my face, holding orange juice and a box of tampons. This can not be happening
Just FYI, by the transitive property my breasts have now touched the Stanley Cup.
My doctor wrote down abstinence as my form of birth control. #ihavenodatinglife
He's like... An octopus that touches my vagina in all these diff ways at the right times. It's almost unsettling
How many times have we said we'd stop taking Jell-O shots with strangers?
I'm now using my vagina for good, not evil. Trying to restore balance to the force.
According to Joseph, last night I crawled into bed and told him to pretend I'm his French maid, and then started speaking with a German accent, and referring to his manbits as "ze greatest Weiner schnitzel I'd ever seen". Basically, last night was a roaring success.
I’m calling dibs!
You can’t call dibs on dick. That’s free range dick. May the best vagina win!
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