Yea and his cousin visited from central and i fucked her i was texting him at work teasin him about it but sent it to his mom by accident
she asked me if the dress made her look fat, i told her no - the fat made her look fat.
I've come to the conclusion that the only reason I fucked him was because he reminded me of Seth Rogen.
once he started yelling at me in latin, i wasn't sure what we were fighting about anymore...
Dude I just masturbated laying underneath my Christmas tree. Apparently all I want for Christmas is to get laid.
i just keep taking vicodin and supergluing random shit
For when you/if you wake up tomorrow.. You broke 4 of the bar's glasses tonight and I am currently watching you as you ride the broom around the bar instead of cleaning up your mess. I am no longer able to come up with excuses for you.
Do what your heart wants. . .
My heart wants to rip his balls off and tie therm to his head using his penis
I'm sensing a Yuletide blow job in your future and by future I mean tomorrow
Wait do we still get bagels if no one got laid
I know it doesn't seem right, but sometimes, bagels are just flat out called for.
if i dont text back till morning its cause i turned my phone off and changed my password to something i wont remember to stop myself from drunk texting...RESPONSIBILITY
You kept sacrificing me last night. You would just yell out "Virgin Sacrifice!!" and then throw me into a circle of men.
My credit card got frozen due to suspicious activity. "Let's go over your recent transaction history... it looks like these are all at bars." BITCH, DON'T JUDGE MY MONDAY NIGHTS.
Dude i just passed out while getting head...she cried
I’m going down on him like an Oompah Loompah on roller skates.
That makes no sense, but good luck
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