I told him that he is like a snow storm I never know when he is coming, how many inches I will get, or how long it will last
Shes been standing with her arms crossed in front of the mirror for 45 minutes...she told me she's "getting sober"
there is no excuse for him not showing up to my st. patrick's day party. i touch his dick. i get him on the high holidays.
When they say "all expenses paid" does that include bail?
so i guess now we know you can get away with peeing mere feet from the Capitol if you shout IM PREGNANT at the guards
Did you like my voicemail? Sounded like I was being murdered, right?
By a pack of ravenous dildos
You know what's fun. When your getting a new mattress and you forget you put your vibrator under your old mattress and the moving guy finds it
Why were you not born a dude?
Because god wanted to level the playing field
I should become her mentor. Get her life back together for her
You mean sponsor?
I woke up this morning with a tampon in my nose and food EVERYWHERE...
The secret to finals week is to have an orgasm for every point you need on the test before you take it.
I showed him my machete and then we made out in the kitchen
He gave me an extra phone charger for the other side of the bed the other night. Is that love?
I SHOULD BE TERRIFIED OF HIS DRAGON DICK.
that's the second time my extensive knowledge of taylor swift has gotten me laid
Randomize
