Sometimes when i'm at a cross roads in life, i think about what i would want my lifetime movie to show what i did
Dude, can't find my socks anywhere....
Yeah, you took a shit in the harbor off a wall, used them to wipe. I'm sure they're still on the beach somewhere if you really want them back
I need a second opinion on who's blood is in my car.
No fucking idea. Just paid for my chipotle in chocolate coins, though. Either there is a huge language barrier happening here, or my big boobs are finally paying off.
Whenever you feel bad about your life, just remember the time I tried to swim while high and thought for a minute I was genuinely drowning
Third base with a 7ft basketball player last night. Fingers like a champ. I call him Edward Penishands.
I need a thor helmet and I need to find my heavy duty drinking mug
I am currently in a U-Haul truck right now. Going to a party. I hate myself.
I tried to twerk on a barn in 3 inch heels at a party last night and nose dived into mud. These were all new friends. I'm probably not allowed back. Cool.
I mean jail does seem alright, all the free broth you can eat.
my whole wardrobe smells like substance abuse
Can we do lunch at 3? I have a blowjob scheduled for 2.
You schedule blowjobs?
You know the sex was rough when you wake up with a chipped tooth. I have no regrets
duddde i wasn't even home last night and someone elses clothes are on my floor and there glow sticks everywhere?!
He's such a jerk. If only his penis was attached to someone else
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