I'm on that like soy sauce on rice
dude I just sharted for the first time ever, kind of gross
well what did you think, shitting your pants would be fun
Eliza got arrested. What's the protocol on eating an arrested person's sandwich?
there's a guy looking for his pants in my room, is he yours?
Found a 10-can wizard staff hidden in our closet. Did we cut someone off?
That's yours. We cut you off.
Was last night real? Did I lick your forehead while you laid in between my legs while we laid next to your boyfriend?
Thank you for not boning my boss.
Who replies to a drunk text at 6am that's like against the rules of being a designated drunk text receiver
You need to stop thinking about the needs of your vagina and concentrate on the greater good
Crappy Mother's Day to you! Those of us who don't have children fill the void with hot sex, sleeping in, more sex, leisurely suntanning, foreign travel, overseas sex, paying cash for sports cars, watching TV, having sex on the floor in front of TV porn, lounging around the house, or whatever the hell we want.
i will not be out-irished. not this night. if i don't wake up tomorrow handcuffed to a hospital bed, i have failed my ancestors.
someone snapchatted me a porn of two guys dressed up as pterodactyls double teaming a girl
What, I can't laugh at my sister being driven crazy by Facebook randomly assigning chat significance to the guy she lost her virginity to?
I swear to the sweet baby jesus I didn't fill your freezer with salsa and my little pony toys, but I didn't stop them either.
Kyle passed out in the tub after breaking a glass and shouting, "WHAT ASSHOLE GAVE ME A GLASS?" His girlfriend gave it to him...
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