I just pynch a tree in the face
We went to the police station completely hammered looking for you. Don't tell me I'm not a good friend.
I'm praying to Jesus, Allah, Buddah,and the whole gang tonight that I'm not pregnant
since i'm not going, you must continue my tradition of flashing every person there.
Finding out he was uncircumcised by feeling his foreskin in my mouth was NOT ideal. New rule. Lights ALWAYS on.
Im walking to an ob gyn practice session right now. Literally have to get face first in a middleaged vagina in 10 min.
Mandatory 420 Adventure Time.
This is why we're friends.
Are you awake? Because I would like to know whether or not I should refrain from giving my evil laugh when I enter the apartment...
For the past year I have been the most responsible I have ever been in my entire life and now spring break is here and there is free penis just traipsing around my entire town. The game is afoot.
Ever the responsible adult, I just realized that today is the Obamacare deadline, but I'm too high to handle insurance now.
After we banged he volunteered to ducksit while I went to work. I think that's true love.
I almost had a threesome in a giant beanbag chair. I love college.
Hey, you should go to your facebook ASAP... i'm guessing you're wasted but you just uploaded a picture of someones dick...and everyones taking bets now if its Rick or Mikes..
Yeah, he threw a chair and hit her in the side of the head. She started hysterically crying and then proceeded to continue kicking our ass at beerpong. The girls got talent.
Where are all your bongs? Your Dad wants to make sure they're put away before his family gets here.
Umm....in my room, on my closet, under the bed and behind my laptop.
Randomize
