you know whats awesome about this morning. A suprise visit from my dad at 7:30 am. There was a pair of heels on the lawn and a girl sleeping in just her underwear on the floor of my living room. He either thinks im a champion or a total fuck up. I'm thinking fuck up but im hoping champion.
remember that time that crown gas station wouldn't sell us a lighter so we had to use matches and birthday candles to smoke with a toilet paper roll? sometimes i miss high school
I just accidently deleted 60 gigs of porn from my external hard drive. Thats over 300 pornos! I think im gonna cry.
Im surprised that you are even able to text me right now.
Just saw a commercial bout this girl that lost 54 lbs on a taco bell diet. so thats my excuse.
Can you send me a picture of you not naked, my mom wants to see what you look like
You were being mean. And telling everyone to suck your six inch strap on. People were not pleased
Please be lying.
Im not. Your family was creeped out
we passed out in our seats at the game for about 3innings. I guess they showed it on the big screen. nap n rally!
Remember that time I sent you a 5lb bag of gummie bears?
Like it was yesterday.
Apparently I had it on auto deliver. So whoever is at your apt is gonna gen an interesting delivery...
My pants zipper is stuck halfway down. I have to interview an intern later. This day is gonna be amazing,
Standing here wondering if its a good idea to cook pork chops in the toaster or not.
Great. I will show up in your office wearing only oven mitts later today.
I'm proud of all of us. Somehow we all survived another Jägerbomb Tuesday
Did I tell you that I told him I deleted his dick pics and he almost started crying?
Are you in a position where you can bring me some nachos?
You microwaved all of my silverware, I don't care if you spent all your money on tequila, you're paying for this.
Randomize
