I woke up this morning to the buzzer on my oven going off... I cooked fish sticks at 425 degrees for 5 hours last night. my house smells awesome
this other lifeguard and I are actually considering paying a kid to shit in the pool
He googled "how long will i be drunk" and just started crying
There needs to be waaaay more alcohol in my apartment if I am going to survive being unemployed
We can't be fuck buddies. You stare into my eyes while we fuck.
You aren't going to like my movie choice because it's a Disney movie, but I am cordially inviting you to the couch for blowjobs.
I really really need to have and out of body experience just so I can talk to myself about this shit that I'm doing with my life.
So I just bought e from my sophomore home ec teacher. How's your weekend going?
I need you there. I need someone to glance at when other people inevitably annoy me.
Do you find Darth Vader masks attractive?
I'm watching Part of Your World now and I'm crying and I feel like I'm floating right along with her. This. This right here is some drunken Disney Magic
Just found an airplane bottle of whiskey and I didn't put it in my coffee. I think I deserve a little recognition this morning.
To celebrate the holidays this evening, I will be replying “FUCK YOU” to all my spam emails. Can’t tell you how excited I am
Did we kick in my basement door last night?
Yes. I think you actually bought tennis shoes specifically for that application.
Long story short wrist restraints, Apple Watch and cumming all don’t mix
Randomize
