I just watched a girl at work pick her nose with 4 of her 5 fingers. So I now know what sausage biscuits taste like in vomit form.
you stole their roomba and ran out the door so that you could 'set it free'.
we found you passed out on lawn and the roomba bouncing back and forth on the sidewalk.
No gym. Sooooo hung over. Just puked up the water I drank and it still has ice cubes in it.
Random girl at this party just gave me a lap dance in a la-Z-boy. Night significantly improved.
And then she apologized after the blow job for being too sick to deep throat. I'm in love..
My brother just woke up to see me on te couch dipping hamburger buns into pizza sauce. I'm beginning to question the life choices that led to this moment.
I've made a list of places I want to have sex this summer. #1: Reptile House at the zoo.
this is what happens when you pick a roommate a year in advance.. she ends up hating you for hooking up with for of her extended family members
I'm watching a man in drag spread food products on his face my life is spiraling out of control.
Woke up to a note written on my hand that read "just because he kisses you, doesn't mean you have to sleep with him"
next time, write it on your vagina so its more effective.
In unrelated news guys should not ask what I'm doing/wearing if they can't handle an honest answer. I'm not pretending I'm not sitting on the couch in yoga pants watching Community so you can beat off.
HIS DICK IS GLORIOUS AND I WANT TO RIDE IT TO VALHALLA
Dude, you were so drunk you were hanging from the ceiling of my car pretending you were a sloth while we were on 81.
He made me spaghetti, gave me wine and I fucked him on the floor, Is that a fair trade of services to you?
He’s 48, has a Prince Albert piercing and a white Range Rover
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