Having kids is risky. They might end up weird.
I just tried to sell my homemade "lightning bolt stencil for pubes" on Etsy.
How do you not remember seeing the kid from our chem lab table and repeatedly yelling "lab partners for life!" at him?
I feel like the only phrases I can clearly speak while drunk consist of: i'm fucking drunk, chug, and shots
how is telling me how long you drunkenly fucked someone supposed to make me miss you?
My younger brother just got high fives from all my guy cousins for fucking my best friend. I hate family gatherings.
The last thing I remember was you puking all over the inside of my door and him yelling "PUKING RALLY!!!"
Found a girl that was gonna make out with 25 people for her 25th birthday. I was like #12. Made top half!
I saw pigeons eating ur dried up puke today. Last night was fucking great
Can I come take down that wallpaper yet? I stopped seeing that dude and I need to occupy my time with something besides getting drunk at bingo night and cussing out old people. Also, i'm not sure on the legal stipulations but I might have, unintentionally, committed grand theft auto at some point.
There's a guy in a life size dick costume, and two guys with white shirts that are each half if a pair of breasts in a red bra lol. They came separate but when they saw each other there was some titty fucking in the street, it's only 11
oh btw ur so lucky i got stoned and passed out or we sooo would have bedazzled your dick while you slept. just sayin.
Xanax and cookies, it's good to be home
I drank a fishbowl of liquor and next thing I know I'm sliding into Zach Galifinakis' DMs
I guess I'm famous. Hot lesbian was WARNED about me. Still hooked up with her.
I'll pay you to teach me.
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