If he can handle my muffin top then I can handle his front teeth.
Passed out on a playground for a while before trying to break into the elementary school. Erica thought her captain tasted like cat food, so she poured her bottle into her cat's dish and proceeded to eat it like cereal.
You win. Erica always eats cat food.
I'm seeing double. Its like being in a room full of people
he cried for an hour, then he threw up on my lap then started singing party in the usa...opera style...
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
couldnt find a condom. used a surgical glove instead. actually worked and the sex was great. thanks nursing school
You do realize there's a subtle difference between not remembering your outfit from april 17th of last year vs forgetting that last night you undressed in the street and were grabbing every dick you could reach, right?
Bro I can't jerk it to my phone anymore. I feel Siri staring back, and she's real disappointed.
Why is my drynk life bleeding into my real life
She poured beer through the deck into the hot tub. She called it a deck shot. It was horrifying but super awesome at the same time.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Lets ignore the fact that you want to turn your dorm room into a sex dungeon and focus on the real issues here.
Yeah but then I feel like it's worth it like bro you just stabbed me the least you can do is get me a fuckin otter pop.
Well it's like a wise man once told me: "If you're going to shave your balls, don't do it hungover."
I'm not letting you use my bathroom unsupervised anymore. You peed in the sink thinking it was a urinal...
I am descending into that finals week rage fueled by ramen, mountain dew and bad sex is what's up.
He kept telling me my vagina was a pleasure cave... I ended up just taking it as a complimetn
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