My dad just yelled at me for going to youth group with out telling him. Apparently going out to fuck a girl without telling him gets me a high 5, going to youth group gets me grounded.
She told me a very interesting story, complete with pantomimes, about how she got a habanero seed in her vag
Tonight was like the Noah's Ark of alcohol. I had to have two of everything.
hahaha our party bus just died on the freeway and we're drinking in the center divider. i'm on the roof. i win
My teachers should feel privileged to see me this morning, after the amount of alcohol I consumed last night.
YOU COME FROM SAD WHALE FAMILY, DEEP IN OCEAN!
Super awkward that I just now realized I added no verb to the first statement about super hero porn. We were watching it, not making it. Clarity.
Who wrote "the chamber of secrets has been open, enemies of the heir beware" across my bathroom wall?
She is the Michael Jordan of blowjobs. Unfortunately, her baby sister is the Michael Jordan of baseball of blowjobs. It does not run in the family.
I was just tryna bring you beer girl. I should've known you'd be shirtless though
I'm having a martini with dinner. A new level of class.
I'm stoned and eating mustard, also a new level of class.
I know it's going to be a good day because he didn't notice the bite mark on my butt.
I am sweating Crown. It all went wrong when the ratio hit 50-50
He was my first marine! I wanna remember his name!
If hypothetically I needed to puke on the bus... how would I go about doing this.
Randomize
