super hot butfun
Oops. What a difference a comma and a space make.
i wish my penis had a tongue
new revelation: five guys for breakfast
new revelation: previous revelation not a good revelation
I just woke up and checked my e-mail, and apparently while drunk I bought a blowtorch. Thought you'd want to know.
Getting too drunk for the hot dog vendor to serve me is possibly a sign of an alcohol problem. I threw up in the sewer grates next to his stand
Blacked out at the beach and unblacked out at a piano bar singing Tiny Dancer.
And I feel like pitchers of margaritas accidentally make it down your throat a lot.
I mean, the lady at the Mexican restaurant insisted. She said she would win a prize if she sold another pitcher before noon. And plus I got to wear a sombrero
Drunk and alone at a magic show is what my life has become without you
I'm eating your cookies as payment for having to listen to you. Happy sex
Took his shirt off. Announced he was Jesus. Threw up. Asked me to cuddle him to sleep. And then tried to kiss me. Typical Saturday night.
Don't worry, I'm taking the best gay radar in the World, my sister's boobs. All guy who is not looking at them, it's fair play for us.
My favorite bra is missing and I smell like beer and bad decisions. This is definitely a sign that hoe mode is activated.
What the fuck dude? Now it's a "who is this?" convo going back and forth. Like... helllloooo you just sent me a picture of your penis! I'm entitled to ask who the fuck it is. I can't verify an identity by a body part.
Your mom has reinvented the use of a ping pong ball.
Sooooooooooooo you woke up on a rooftop. Classy
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