my new years resolutions dont apply when im drunk
A guy wearing a hard hat while floating the river. It's the most responsible drinking we saw all day.
I tried telling the cop that I don't do drugs, and that if he'd just take me home I could prove it by showing him my D.A.R.E. certificate.
He kept calling my vagina a magic clam, and it was speaking to him, telling him to feed it his penis. I played along.
Dude, she's the greatest salesman alive. she convinced chelsea to buy a box of Cheerios for $20. She can find your dick some willing pussy.
its kind of scaring me that i am turned on by tom cruise in rock of ages
I'm just walking around Lowe's groping the carpets....
I thought i lost my bra, but when i went back to help clean it was hanging up on the wall
You came home with a traffic cone and said, "this is my birthday condom."
How drunk is "too drunk" for candlelight service?
my cockatiel has aquired a taste for beer. I should not be allowed to own exotic pets.
I can tell right now that knowing you will either be really fun or ruin my life
he taught all the little kids to ski. it was stupid hot. i'm pretty sure my ovaries exploded.
I miss my innocence.
I miss being able to say, "I've never done this before."
they gave me money. the money smells like weed. also they gave me weed
Randomize
