Threw my underwear in my purse as I was running away after sex last night, went to pick up my birth control prescription this morning, took out my wallet and accidentally flung my sweet thong onto the counter in front of the cashier. Think that was the universes way of telling me I am a whore.
I'm sure that's not what the inventers of the Turkey baster had in mind, but that's what I had in mine.
He spent $1100 at a strip club. If I had that kind of disposable income, I'd make a cocaine sandcastle.
Why does every bad decision I make wind up having 1000 likes on YouTube?
Drunk life lesson just learned the hard way: do not try to play hump the great dane. He may take you up on it.
When we were eating pie last night, I dropped some, and not only did you not judge me for far surpassing the 5 second rule, you let me use your foot to sock mop with. You're a good friend.
Does taking an old homeless guy to the strip club, buying him lap dances, and calling him pops all night count as a good deed???
so when our kids ask "when did you know you loved mommy?" you're gonna say "when she sent me emoticons about slobbing on my knob?"
All I am going to say is this: I woke up with lots of bruises on my knees from running around on all fours being a 'dinosaur'. Either girls night in went terribly wrong or terribly right.
Apparently when it was last call I jumped up on the bar and told everyone to get the fuck out, which was immediately followed by a round of applause from the bouncers/bartenders and my tab getting paid as well.
Your "dubstep at ceilis" resulted in a random naked guy busting into my room and peeing all over my bathroom
Like he held up the condom afterwards, twirled it with his finger, and said "look at that load"
How was your night?
I spent a lot of money and drank a lot of booze. Also was part of a successful search party
Now we just need to figure out why your underwear was in your bra
I woke up at 3am, top off, with campus security telling me to get dressed. Tonight was a GOOD NIGHT
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