Yea I just took my 1st pregnancy test. Turns out I am just fat. Also I haven't been with anyone in 3 months, which is clearly making me crazy.
Let's play a little game called "Chill the Fuck Out" - you're our first contestant
we're doing shots for every degree below freezing it is outside
We can smell you smoking weed from downstairs and your little brother is asking why the upstairs smells like gasoline. Please smoke in the basement. XOXO dad.
I thought I hit my peak drinking in college. Just finished first day on Wall Street. College was nothing.
3rd rule of buttsex she must be clean and shower recently
and skipped dinner
Well, at least he doesn't refer to you as his associate. his mattress associate
I puked right in front of him after winning beer olympics and he still hooked up with me. My life is so easy.
Just had a shirt made that says "I'm sorry" going to wear it every sat and sun morning for the foreseeable future
The last thing I remember was riding in a grocery cart with two strangers while a cop pushed us
I'd rather blow Nickelback than be told he gave me gonorrhea. I'd even post it on Facebook for all of the world to like, share, and judge me.
you got drunk, told him he looked like shaggy and said 'I wouldn't show you my mystery machine for all the scooby snacks in the world'
Maybe if I ever do become a counselor, I would just implement a kind of intensive meme therapy.
New goal find someone I love enough to use these Japanese pancake flavored condoms on
I'm like the kinda excited when David After Dentist stands up in his seat, screams, and collapses
Randomize
