I made out with a fat chick last night in a hot tub... btw I am breaking up with you
I came back to the apartment and he was waiting for me, covered in mustard.
needless to say I left
you said you didn't feel like drinking anymore so you mixed vodka with your applesauce and ate it
What kind of flower means "I want to have unprotected sex with you, preferably from behind?" because thats the message I'd really like to send on Valentines Day
If the world would stop letting me feel invincible I would probably stop doing this shit.
I left a care package of Jack Daniel's, pancake mix and porn in your apartment. Merry fucking Christmas.
Ugh he's texting me.
Tell him you're no longer interested in what he has to offer; his shitty personality outweighs his sexual prowess.
I still count it as showing your tits. Even though the wall was the only one who saw anything. Your boyfriend was pissed.
You. Dating a sex offender cop. Life writes itself sometimes.
Was having the best sex dream I've had in a while and only woke up when I heard my grandma fall down the stairs.
Lets just say my thoughts when getting dressed this morning was "vagina friendly" options
going on a mission to find my pants and the guy who stole my beer don't wait up
I woke up with my vibrator in my bed so I'm assuming I had a decent night.
The best part of last night is not remembering half of it
I woke up this morning and my house is covered in shredded cheese with my laptop open and a google image search for "awesome shit".
Randomize
