My dad hugged me and said I love u. I'm glad I didn't pull out that night.
why does he think he needs to feed/take me out to get some ass? we are at a bar wasting my fucking time
I just saw a girl walking home wearing a tshirt, boxers, and cowboy boots. Thanks for having the decency to drive me to my car.
They upped the price of Plan B! Rite-aid is going to be the reason I have illegitimate kids.
Hey man your outta milk
How the hell do you keep getting in my apartment?!
So apparently when he was telling people he was in Alaska for 6 months he was actually in jail
I feel like I ran a fucking marathon on my knees last night and there are bruises to prove it.
It was a perpetual wrestle for who got to be on bottom. Laziest hookup ever.
Posting happy birthday to my grandpa on Facebook.... Then realizing my profile pic is me dressed as a slutty cop when he used to be a police officer.
He handed me a temporary tattoo and said cover the hickey up with this
There is no issue with you seeing me...morally or ethically. we'll update your resume anyway. I really need to have sex with you later. Really
YOURE A FUCKING ADULT. DONT TELL ME ITS PAST YOUR BEDTIME WHEN I WANT TO GET ANOTHER COCKTAIL.
This is the second time you've stolen a pet when you're drunk, given it back and cashed in on a reward...I think you have a problem
Gotta pay my student loans some way
He bedazzled a shirt for me that said "best head giver" should I be thankful for the gift or concerned that he has a bedazzler?
What’s the level of adulting when you reschedule a dentist appointment to have a threesome?
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