Is King's over? Or do I still have to say 'On Matt's cock' at the end of every sentence on matt's cock?
Fuck buddy has no power. Invited her over to use my shower. I love hurricaines.
Is moral bankruptcy something you need to file for?
I almost puked on my graduation application. perfect.
oh my god. the driver of our party bus just said "no drugs unless you're sharin," my confidence in him is not high at the moment
Important info for allergy season. An orgasm will unblock stuffy sinuses.
His beard is glorious and he smells like barbecue. Introduce me to him.
He said he wanted to start giving out "sex souvenirs". I got a poster with a penguin on it.
I'm kinda surprised he wouldn't be honored to take me back as a fuck buddy.
My little brother found me on Instagram. If I'm not already the shame of my family, I'm about to be.
I'm hungry, horney and thirsty. Pick two you want to help out with.(please pick horney)
we talked about the guy being eaten by the anaconda.. Then I proceeded to blow him
I'm drunk listening and crying to Selena. How's your Monday?
I'm giving drunk me full control of my body for the next few days. Please don't let me die.
Also—I just realized that your wedding gift is still on my dining room table. So...as awful as I am for not yet sending it (and I still need your address), at least I didn’t bring my screaming children to potentially the most important day of your life?
Randomize
