someone is gonna have my baby tonight. they just dont know it yet
I'll alert the authorities
i kno its fucked up..but id rather sleep it off than seek medical attention right now
I just told her she was a heartbeat above a blowup doll.
turns out a healthy dose of cleavage is the equivalent of a swig of felix felicis
Trying to find something to do here is like trying to find a vegan resturant in alabama.
I'm at a party watching some dude try to eat a whole package of Oreos in 5 minutes.
I blacked out the second time 3am rolled around. My brain was taking a beating trying to do that math.
New Years Resolution for 2011 : QUALITY cock. Not quantity.
How can you turn a kayak date down? I'M TALKING RIVER HEAD HERE.
Guess who won bingo at the senior center and is going to jail all in the same night?
I told her we could be friends and she said the last time i told her that we had sex behind a bar at 4am
What the fuck could you be doing in that room to make her yell "Beginners Luck!" over and over again?
Also. This Ativan makes me feel fearless. I think we need an exciting new hobby for when we take it. How do you feel about ghost hunting?
I made everyone scream the national anthem with me after playing true American last night. I'm pretty much their leader now.
I woke up in a bush somewhere in Tucson with a full suit on. Great way to end my birthday.
Randomize
