dude, i just saw a bobcat while i was rollerblading this morning
1 dont ever text someone @ 8am on sat. 2 dont ever admit to rollerblading past 1992.
I cant video chat with you tonight, my parents are home
r u implying that im some kind of v-chat prostitution whore?
Just so we both are on the same page, I have no solid plans as to where I'll be sleeping tonight.
the lady in the checkout infront of me had a case of beer, two 40 oz, and activia...really??i dont' think irregularity is her problem
eye of the tiger was playing while i pooped... it totally helped.
only thing in my fruit bowl is 4 champagne corks and a jenga piece . Tuesday.
I was changing in front of my window and my neighbor text me saying, "nice pubes."
well after pounding on the ceiling for 5 mins i just went up there to tell them to shut up.. 2 hours later i'm naked, high, lying on their kitchen floor. it escalated so quickly
Thought I was doing makeup today for a photo shoot for a short film. WRONG. Try I'm on the set for a Fucking Sci-Fi PORN.
My sister just showed me a snap chat that I don't remember sending, it was a picture of me with two big macs in my bra with just the words "BURGER TITS"
You used your chihuahua as a pillow screaming "HE'S A PILLOW AND A PET" and proceeded to puke in the dog bed
So you're at your daughter's volleyball game looking at dicks online? That's amazing.
No, I was picking her up from volleyball and sitting in my car looking at dicks.
Should I apologize for the loud sex I had in his living room? Because I'm not going to.
Definitely not.
Not drinking until my bday. I know it's only a few days but it feels like when couples get celibate before the wedding and there's all that tension.
this old people party is bangin. they have apple cider with everclear in it
Randomize
