I wish I had more reasons to start sentences with the phrase, "Here's the thing you've got to remember about cougars ...
Do you think there is vodka in heaven?
you let me eat a milky way from your vagina. G is not lettin you hang out for eternity
he got instantly turned off in the middle of a blowjob when he heard the news "twilight beat the blockbuster record of batman"
If you weren't supposed to have sex with your ex then they wouldn't rhyme.
And by hung out you mean you were in my bed for 5 minutes while your penis was in my mouth.
Also, I found out tonight a major plus for being female is you can accidentally call the hot bartender sweet tits and she won't get mad.
No, no... it's pale and surrounded by awkward, curly, red hair. It's the Ronald McDonald of penises.
Every time I drink before 5 somebody's pet dies
Stop drinking before 5
Easier said than done
Post-sex nachos deserve a song.
I just can't promise there won't be a reason to hit you in the face with a dildo again in the future.
she just announce I'm david copper field and tried to shove a napkin down my throat
I just got a lap dance from a sexy cop in return for giving him his sunglasses back. I think this is going to be the beginning of a really great friendship
I have weed and a speedo - I don't need anything else.
He told me to leave him behind and bury him in his batman pajamas. So two lessons I guess, don't give Tom whiskey and don't touch his daddy issues with a twenty nine and a half foot pole.
Cancelling your gym membership calls for alcohol.
Randomize
