I fucked a guy named chris tucker last night
Yo I'm just eating dinner now. U ready to go out?
Ya ya. Where you eating?
Cereal and beer. U kno u want in.
Who knew that being in a committed relationship is the same thing as forced celibacy? Did not sign up for this.
we were watching porn and trying to copy the position they were doing now i think my hip is dislocated
He violated my cat. I was not impressed.
well at least you didnt have sex with him. i feel like a proud mother. you always have sex with them.
if you really don't think our country's going to shit think of this. Exactly one year from now I will either be in law school or teaching young, impressionable kids, maybe even yours. Try to sleep after that.
You insisted on calling your mixture of Bacardi & powdered milk "a Jamacian Facial."
oh my god, just saw a man throw up in a trashcan and blood came out of his nose. HES GETTING ON MY BUS. HES SITTING ACROSS FROM ME. FUCK.
So instead of asking me for my number, he asked for my dad's because he wanted to "thank the man that helped create those tits."
the last thing I heard was you screaming as the rodeo team herded you to the next party
At least you get to smell pizza at your job. I just smell despair all day long.
I told my manager I was trying to conserve my energy for date night/Sexual Olympics later. That's legit for another break, right?
i'll talk to you in three hours when you've stopped foaming at the mouth and your eyes have rolled back into place
Moral of the story: fuckboys never change
Randomize
