ready 4 sex 2nite?
wow. woo me matt, woo me.
So you honestly dont remember putting honey in your bong? You kept talking about how you wanted to become a bee and fly
Not just anyone can homewreck on three continents simultaneously
you are my hero
Dude I just masturbated laying underneath my Christmas tree. Apparently all I want for Christmas is to get laid.
so either half this theatre is as stoned as me, or day daybreakers is hilarious
Grandma just handed out bail money... it's officially christmas
Dude they have your information. Come back. The sheriffs office is here, they are pissed..please come back otherwise jail is inevitable. Call me
There's going to be a pool, lightsabers and alcohol. What could go wrong?!
She said she liked strap-ons.
SHE WAS TALKING ABOUT SHOES, YOU ASSHOLE! YOU'RE THE WORST WINGMAN EVER!
At least I can pee in a cup like a champ at this point
All I could think when I saw it was, "All right, Vagina, only one of us is getting out of this alive."
I asked the subway guy how many cookies he thought I could smuggle into the bar. He said it looked like a 6 packer. he was correct
Dude we smoked with a bunch of random stoners in a forest, then group hugged. It was the most magical thing we've ever done.
Can you please stop having such an active social life? I'm tryna get fucked over here
You sending me our unborn, unfertilized babies' names is not what I envisioned when you said you'd "drunk text me later".
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