are you still at the devil's house?
sarcasm needs its own font
I just ate a whole bag of celery instead of getting up to get a glass of water. That high.
Spent 30 minutes in the board meeting trying to figure out where the foul smell was coming from. Thought it was the guy's feet sitting next to me. Then i uncrossed my legs. Turns out it was my vagina. Thank goodness for travel size febreeeze.
Wednesdays are like the thursdays of tuesdays... Drink time
he was cradling you in his arms feeding you rum straight from the bottle and you kept sucking his fingers.
What the fuck am I going to do with a pinata full of tampons?
Dude, she sent me a nude of her posing in the mirror and her dad was in the reflection
Idk who invented dominoes cheese steak pizza but I wanna lick their balls
The fact that it was "anything but a cup" now explains the cowboy boots and fishbowl aftermath at the apartment.
You think he will forgive me for the paper being a week late if I bring him a beer?
...it's a 9am class...
Glow Paint looked great for the Black Light Party last night, Tonight having a glow in the dark Pizza on my arm, not so much.
I'm supposed to be at work in 10 min, I just woke up and am 45 min away...tinder for the win
Heard flapping noises behind me. It was my roommate flapping her bathrobe like wings, saying "I'm a faaaiiiiry."
there is a naked boy in my bed & you just need to kick him out because i do NOT want to see him when i'm sober.
Randomize
