We hit a deer, sort of a buzz kill. But it's fine.
Some broad at the bar just asked me how much money I make. I don't know whats worse, the question or the answer.
do u usually make out with people before telling them your name???
How did I get so drunk? We had to fish that girl out of the Goodwill Donation Box.
This girl wants me to lick her pits
pits??
Yeah pits, I think I still go for it though
I'm wearing an NBA shooting sleeve while jerking off...and yes my arm has stayed warm
i think there mostly mad about the fact it was 6 pm not the fact i blew a .255
Party was cancelled. Me and my dog are high as tits. Wanna go roam the outlet mall?
traded hat for shot of whiskey. lovah yo life. only ADVENTURE NOW. OH GOD IT WENT TO CAPS LOCK
He also gave me two gold stars for sex. On my nipples.
I really thought I'd be the only alcoholic drinking alone in my car at noon in the Lowe's parking lot. Passed out dude in the car next to me begs to differ.
You are the funniest drunk Jew I know. Never in my life have I witnessed someone respond, "Is your dick kosher?" while being picked-up on.
The fact that it was "anything but a cup" now explains the cowboy boots and fishbowl aftermath at the apartment.
I can't believe I haven't fucked an Elvis impersonator yet.
I accidentally stubbed my dick
What does that even mean?
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