john hughes is dead. crushing any and all dreams of me ever being in an 80's john hughes film. bummer.
I had a party to get rid of booze. Woke up with even more. Will do this till I can open a liquor store
As long as there aren't any pictures of me humping the penguin, we are good,
Ok the fact that you know THAT phrase perfectly is terrifying. You just proved you can slut it up in mulitiple languages.
the best thing about long term relationship is that the fact that i bothered to shave my legs today counts as a valentines gift
Odd question. Did you find a 20 in your boxers? I need it for gas.
I fell asleep while we were Skyping and woke up to his balls bouncing in front of the camera while he sang "Wakey Wakey!" over and over again. Merryfuckingchristmas.
He brought a TOOTHBRUSH and TOOTHPASTE with us on our date..... I want to go home and forget I ever decided to be nice and go on this date in the first place...... A TOOTHBRUSH!?!?!
i wasnt laughing because you were puking, i was laughing because three yards away there was a couple seriously getting it on
continuing my moment killer tradition in the best possible way
Was there a condom involved? Because he was saying he wanted a kid. Repeatedly.
The squirrels are partying on my roof again. Now they're just rubbing it in that I'm home alone on a Saturday night and they're having orgies.
From the bottom of my heart, thanks for never sending me unsolicited dick picks.
I emptied a Vyvance capsule into my coffee pot last night and set the auto start. Pretty sure I've been drinking meth all morning
It was a bad idea to take ecstasy with cats in the house. No animal likes being touched that much. Let me know how your eye feels tomorrow
yeah true but how easily can you rip a scrotum
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