i fell asleep last night with fifteen animal crackers in my mouth. rock bottom dude.
I love hooters. This dumb bartender is saying how coffee dehydrates you so that's why she sometimes just eats the coffee grinds wake up.
it was like having sex with a tree stump
she's googling pictures of Freddy Mercury and whispering 'I'm ready'
I expected to wake up with a sext of you posing nude and all I got was a missed call.....disappointed.
I'm sorry I think it was because I lost a chicken nugget in my purse and that's all that was on my mind until 4am
I transported a midget tonight. He got beat up by another, midgetier midget. Is it bad that this is what makes me feel compassion after 15 years of being a paramedic?
Midgetier?
Smaller, yet meaner.
He told me he wanted to show me something beautiful, then just started peeing off the bridge into oncoming traffic
Hey had an urgent voicemail from the Illinois national guard....have you been using my identity for your blackout weekend?
Yes and yes
i ended up playing naked naked monopoly and hangman with my dealer. i really love my life.
Do you remember trying to make pizzas with the domino workers last night...while trying to speak their language with them.. spanish?
You threw a shot glass at the bartender and still managed to convince him to let us drink more. You are my hero.
I want to get back to junior year skinny- without all the drugs.
Naked. Naked is my favorite color.
Hhhaaa He said Peanutburter disinfect lol. Like peanut butter can disinfect stuff. None of those guys are safe
I mean the power was out what was I supposed to do
Randomize
