I'm upset that MJ died and all but waking up to his face on my HDTV in the middle of the night while half-asleep is pretty much the scariest fucking thing ever.
never. drinking. again.
lets not get ahead of ourselves.
Rubbed one out while on hold to buy tickets to Disneyland. Feel simultaneously like a freak and strangely productive.
This will be amazing. Plus he's going to do a line of cocaine off of the other guy's ass.
I'm going to replace you with a friend who will be happy when I find a huge penis
Horrible. I told her my girlfriend is in the hospital and she tried to give me a lapdance.
I refuse to apologize. Any dick that comes that close to my face uninvited is gonna get bit
Let's just say I've never been so continually aware of my nipples before.
last night on the strip the guy screamed at you YOU GOTTA WORK ON YOUR CALVES.
She asked for references to decide whether she wanted to have sex with me. And she was serious.
I'm going to have to include Angry Orchard in my thesis acknowledgements
I should not be allowed to reproduce. The world doesn't need my sarcastic asshole demon spawn in child form
I don't think I'm ever gonna need a boyfriend again. I have a body pillow, a vibrator, and I'm strong enough to open my own jars.
He kept screaming "I am the thunder!" when he was riding me.
Why are there condoms taped to the handle of Tito’s?
I get horny when I drink, pregnant when I fuck and I never lose the booze unlike my purse
Randomize
