are u sure the monkey wasnt drunk too
how was the sex?
he smelled like pickles and burnt hair.
well, there's that.
it feels like my vag is blowing bubbles
and then he said he has been waiting since high school to touch my boobs
Yeah, it was all fun and games until I realized that it wasn't my tent, and I had no idea who those people were
I've spent the last ten minutes rubbing glue sticks on the wall
Last night in my drunkenness I bought hurricane supplies which included a jug of wine and a bouquet of flowers. Apparently I'm going to woo Irene.
I was riding her and she yelled "fuck me" then someone in the room next door yelled "you don't have to say it if youre doing it."
Lube is flammable
Who is this??
All I have in my new place is coke and a treadmill.. it's workout Wednesday
He threw me over his shoulder and carried me outside, all the while drinking from the bottle of rum he was holding, while my ex watched. I'm winning the break-up.
also I have no idea whose underpants I'm wearing right now but they're super comfy and I'm not giving them back ever
It's 2017. Get with the program. Also remind me never to get margaritas with you ever on Cinco de Mayo.
I swear, I make more use of my creative writing major with sexting than I do with anything else
That’s the third time this month he’s hooked up with a girl by telling her it’s his bachelor party, and he’s not even dating a chick let alone engaged.
Randomize
