I really wish I could go back in time to change the course of events that led to me sitting on the internet at 3 Googling 'Traumatic masturbation' while talking to you about failed dates, and running a virtual restaurant in a video game.
Text me if you also stopped reading harry potter in the 4th grade and wanna go to the bars tonight instead of the midnight premiere
The second I saw you stumbling down the stairs in a princess crown, I knew I had a friend for life.
sooo what's the appropriate music to listen to after you find out the dude you been fucking, is legit married with kids...what genre is that?
Some guy dressed like Santa just handed me a bottle of tequila. I NEVER WANT TO LEAVE CANCUN
I don't care how drunk you were. Sending me a pic of your dick dressed as Uncle Sam with the caption "I want you" isn't an acceptable pick up line.
I stared at his lazy eye for so long, he thought I had one too. Then we bonded over our lazy eyes. I had to fake one all night. My head is fucking killing me. NEVER pretend to have a lazy eye.
Screw disneyland. This military base is the happiest place on earth. Even unnatractive dudes are completely fuckable in those uniforms, im never leaving
If I end up in a healthy relationship because of this, I will NEVER forgive you!!!
In unrelated news guys should not ask what I'm doing/wearing if they can't handle an honest answer. I'm not pretending I'm not sitting on the couch in yoga pants watching Community so you can beat off.
I have one goal now that I am in the USA. To find a man I can fuck into marriage before my visa runs out.
Ugh I don't want to adult today. I need like a dozen more coffees. Or cookies. They're interchangeable.
final thoughts: i just want someone into choking me out, weed and anime
What did you give up for lent?
Diet and excersize. And I'm never going back...
Talk all the shit you want but I slept in a oversized monster truck tire last night.
Randomize
