He just told me he would murder a thousand dolphins to be with me. Quite the charmer.
i got a mint flavored condom from wellness day...im kind of tempted to taste it
Just once id like to sleep with a man who i havent thrown up on
about 90% sure I fell off a roof. It hurts BAD. Don't suppose you're still in town?
yup haha I infact DID fall off a roof. Want some bomb ass omlettes?
Jameson and I invented street rugby last night. Yeah
I'm sorry I drunk dialed you before realizing that you were already in bed with me.
look in the field by the highway and see if there is a high heel there. Or some Taco Bell bags.
eating on the run again ?
I cnant read. Cheetos goen. Help. Grt Cheetos.
Oh and someone pissed in my shoes, so I'll let you figure that out.
Learn from me. When going to a booty call do not wear a belly shirt. Nothing says shame like a belly shirt at 7am.
I would rather her be sleeping with someone new than getting to go Harry Potter world before me...
You know that you're in a bad spot when the doctor puts you on 500mg of amoxicillin 4 times a day for ten days and puts refills on it...
If I were better looking, this would be the point where I'd resign myself to stripping.
My roommate walked in on my inserting a tampon. Somehow, I don't think this will be improving our relationship.
The dentist walked in on me trying to bottle some laughing gas to take home with me. That high.
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