sometimes i just want to live alone. my roommate keeps looking at me weird like hes never seen a girl eat plain salt before
Friends bring friends secret work margaritas. my pink water bottle is in the cupboard
Today has been the most awkward masturbatory day of my life. Possibly even more awkward than when my mom found my vibrator on Mother's Day.
How bad does the situation have to be before its ok to attempt 'catastrophic event sex'?
you walked in on him eating me out and screamed SHE'LL BREAK YOUR HEART BRO before body slamming on the ground and passing out on the floor
The holidays are too long. I always run out of adderall before I run out of family. you got any left?
Every time you mention the threesome around him I will high five you. Do what you will with this information.
I never realized how weird our shower smells until I cracked a shower beer and had a familiar aroma to compare it to.
I never thought in a million years that I would have a threesome with my boss and his wife and yet here we are.
So, I never imagined myself puking on the side of the road at 10:30 this morning to Lynyrd Skynyrd but here I am.
They asked me my level of pain at the hospital and I told them I called my ex 6 times
I thought one was bad but really there are two woman stupid enough to marry our brother...unreal
She drank my rum. I had sex in her bed and didn't wash the sheets. We're even.
what did we do after we left your crib?
you layed down in some rocks for about an hour, you stole some pumpkins, you passed out and started shaking, we got t-bell, we took you back to the dorm.
I'm eating an ice cream cone and pooping. Don't know how I'm gonna wipe.
Randomize
