My entire life is one complicated drinking game
The only thing that would make my night better is if William Shatner came and read me a bedtime story.
Its really not funny anymore. I need to stop shaving while i'm drunk
It's going to be nice going to the airport without drugs taped to my balls like last year.
I seriously dont think i have ever ridden a horse sober.
thank you for letting me use your house as a brothel.
I was in the freezer we were knocking over shit. Speaking of which i asked my boss. I can hook up with girls in the freezer
Yeah just sayin. Whenever you want to come over and wank me off you can
i don't know man, last time i saw her she was applying sunblock to her vagina
i figured out i could get from the downstairs bar to the upstairs bar AND grab pizza by going through the kitchen. it was the greatest discovery of my life besides the flabongo.
I did, I'm just saying. Once the drinking starts my nipples are no longer my control.
Apparently I've told this bouncer I stalk him on Instagram 3 times. I should stop drinking. I only remeber saying it tonight. early sign of Alzheimer's
I'm considering offering a class on how to find good porn.
so I guess I made a note in my phone last night to remind myself not to do shrooms on the cruise ship
I HAVE 5 FELTING NEEDLES AND THEYRE GOING DIRECTLY INTO YOUR EYES IF YOU POST THAT SHIT
Just trying to show you I care.
Isn't it supposed to be "what would you like for dinner?" instead of "how do you take your blow?"
Hey, you're the one who asked me to mc to move in.
Randomize
