I'm at breakfast still drunk holding a blow up parrot
I'm so hungover, I actually considered rolling down the stairs to avoid walking.
My dad just passed me a joint.. this is a turning point in my life.
I passed out in the stadium during the 4th quarter and you guys just left me there?
Yea, but we put money for a cab in your pocket.
Hey hey, in my defense we were just suppose to watch Disney movies from a blanket fort with beer and nachos. I was I suppose to know it would end in tears?
I still count it as showing your tits. Even though the wall was the only one who saw anything. Your boyfriend was pissed.
Just got cockblocked by my GF's wedding shower... That's a first. And I have to buy a gift.
To drink from my fkask next to a cop car or to not drink from my flask next to a cop car
Shaving your bikini line at 11 at night in the Walmart bathroom feels trashy no matter why you're doing it.
If you end up wanting to sit on his face, just make a sound like a dying giraffe and I'll make myself scarce.
I didn't see her "bad karma" tattoo until after I was balls deep
I've been continuously high for the last 48 hours, and just broke my 4th vibrator. Coincidence? FIND ME A MAN I BEG OF YOU.
You have the perkiest tits in all of North America. You're fine.
you were just in my dream and you looked at me and said "Christmas is cold." I think you're wasted even in my dreams.
Fuck your bullshit loser kid and his gluten allergy.
Randomize
