Roller skating + drunkeness + peeing = mess
I dont even clean my room anymore .. i drunk proof it for when i come back smashed with a guy
There's something really special about 3:00 in the afternoon drunk that just can't be duplicated at any other time of day.
I couldn't function. I was to the point where I was using a bottle cap as a monocle.
Nothing says walk of shame better than a onesie and a 12 pack of corona..
Pretty sure I'm taking the break up well. Alcohol made me okay with it and drugs keep me agreeing with why I dumped him in the first place.
Im deleting that text because its a possible ncaa violation
You sat on a wall pretending to be a gargoyle before shouting "batman!" and jumping at me
I'm the drunk Des Moines deserves, but not the one it needs
Just realized I'm going to have to make you sign a non-disclosure agreement before my wedding.
I told her my cab was outside the club and that I had to go, but I think we both knew this wasn't going anywhere past the sloppy bathroom handjob.
She had an asthma attack and had to stop but insisted on getting me off. It's official she's the one
She's hot and all. It's just I don't want to become Eskimo brothers with my sister
a victory without nudity is not really a victory
Just try and act like you're sober
I can't I snorted an anti depressant and he's pouring me tequila shots
I'm really sorry I called you a "smug, arrogant, boyfriend-fucking piece of defecation". I was super drunk.
I was going to be mad, but then I remembered you don't use autocorrect and spelled everything correctly and I was kinda impressed.
Randomize
