he called me "his little blueberry cunt muffin"...how would that make you feel?
I am now the proud owner of a 10-12 year old's Optimus Prime costume from Walmart. Tomorrow is going to be a good day.
Just found out I have to work new year's eve. It's like one final 'fuck you' from 2009.
I woke up with dick mouth, a raw vagina, an empty bottle of vodka and the best man next to me. I also found my thong by the pool. Best.Wedding.Ever.
I don't talk to her anymore. I lit her birthday presents on fire. Who the fuck puts candles that close to tissue paper?
This is the time you want your cat to have telepathy with you. To know if the guy downstairs left.
All I can remember is being told by a guy named Kyle to stay in the corner until the cops left. Then waking up on a porch outlined in beer cans 8 blocks from my house. Pregaming for college.
By this time tomorrow I expect us to be sitting at the kitchen table either playing a drinking game, or crying. Set an alarm
There is an empty space on my boobs where glow paint should be.
I need you to do me a favor and hide my sword from me tonight. I'm planning on drinking my weight in vodka and I don't trust myself enough to not run through campus screaming "I AM SPARTA!" You'll be saving me a mugshot as well as saving some innocent girls from tears.
I hope your pay increase has gone through because I might need bail. This is not what I dreamed adulthood would be like.
I'm not worried. All I have to do is not be the drunkest painter at 8:00. Golden.
I just got the two most enjoyable things in life in one... Weed delivered in bubble wrap.
Sorry I wore your bra during sex last night
just called AAA to get my keys out of me car and then afterwards realized they were in my pocket...stoner life
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