I woke up this morning next to some guy. I was horrified, he woke up and said, "the white tiger strikes again!"
I just had to have my mom look at my penis to figure out what it was. How do you think my day is going?
I just wanna be some guy's midlife crisis
My body has become completely dependent on Text Twist. I can't poop without it.
Her tits were the only thing that upgraded her from "no way in fuck" to "drunken mistake"
naw. unless you want me to sit in a corner, not understand english and eat all of your cheese then i don't think it's a good idea.
I was to drunk to walk in jimmy john's so I called and got a pickle delivered to me outside the bar , too much?
All I remember from last night is petting the broom with my feet and feeling like I was standing on a horses head
i feel we're the only people who'd use nyquil sexually
I confess. I just downed the bottle of saki. And I'm singing phantom of the opera to the dogs. Be glad you're not here for the high notes.
You just kept yelling and saying, "IM NOT GOING TO STOP YELLING UNTIL YOU TAKE THAT SHOT"
I almost took a picture but it looked like he might have a shank and I'm just not at a place in my life where I could handle having tetanus
I just smoked a bowl alone and took my Zyrtec here's to a full night.
she walked up to me at the bar, kissed me, andthen declared "I HAVEN'T SEEN YOU OR YOUR PENIS SINCE 2011."
You know it was a good night when visa fraud prevention services are calling
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