Just did a shot to pluto being a planet again. I love science.
i just went through and liked all 1,239 of her pictures instead of writing my english paper. don't tell her, i want her to be surprised
I'm eating my dinosaur chicken nuggets in the order they would die in the food chain.
My piss changed color midstream. Think that means I have a 50/50 chance of passing the test?
Apparently I kept telling people I was a pro tennis player again...
My fuck buddy took time out of his date with his girlfriend to text me happy Valentines Day.
Yeah, but there's no serving sizes for dick.
I tried telling the cop that I don't do drugs, and that if he'd just take me home I could prove it by showing him my D.A.R.E. certificate.
She sat on the toilet backwards so that she could hold onto the back part for balance. No she's not ready to go home.
I plan on just grabbing someone's dick if I have to. They will know what's up. Why else do you go to a bar alone on valentines day?
He ran into the surf holding up a cigarette yelling "let the Olympic games begin!" So no, no vodka left.
i feel like i am made of mashed potatoes. i love cannabis pills so. fucking. much.
Okay first of all, that is a sick ass nickname please call me that forever. Second, i need your help.
Where do you think black out memories go?
Into the dark abysmal abyss of the deepest, darkest part of your mind. It's obviously the bodies natural defense to protect you from witnessing the shit you do while actually blacked out.
Good news!! I can adult!! 😂 turning down the strip club on a weeknight has become my crowning achievement ðŸ˜ðŸ˜‚
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