I went out, and slept with my sunglasses on
I'm pouring my heart out in these texts and you're going around showing everyone???
yours is so small it looks like an acorn!!
my ex gf has sooo many hot friends... i feel like im at a grocery store when on her fb... just shopping around.
We've finally become those guys who you'd see in middle school when you went to the park who are just stoned out of their minds sitting on the swings.
you got thrown out for pissing in a cup in the corner. you told one guy it was okay because you went to college and that he wouldn't understand
I feel like my teeth are sweating.
I JUST MACED MY OWN FACE
This is by far the best text I have ever woken up to.
Traded my phone for pizza, then got it back this morning....successful night
Bad news: I found out that girl you want has a boyfriend. Good news: she'll probably cheat on him with you. Better news: after seeing the way she treats him, that's the most interaction you're going to want with her anyway. Trust me.
I've never danced to a Michael Jackson song in a bar and left alone bro. Something in girls loves a guy who dances to mj
In my defense, last night's hookup turned out to be my actual girlfriend. That's gotta count for something, right?
Update: I just threw up in between cars in the parking lot of magic kingdom.
Be there in a sec. We have to stop at Target to buy her underwear first.
That bitch claimed that you said it was ok if she drank your vodka. Obviously she has never met you
Randomize
