I don't know how to tell my mom that I'm not sober enough to drive to the dentist...
My dad assaulted a TSA agent this morning. Shut down airport security. Don't tell me that your family is embarrassing.
Dancing like a fucking crazy person to jai ho with a snow ball in her hand. Snow days make her go nuts.
we were like drunken butterflies among sober caterpillars,
Wow way to turn my death into an oppurtunity to get laid
You know those creepy dolls that look like they are watching you from anywhere in the room? It was like that, but with his penis...
I'm about to initiate a game of drunk UNO.
Drunk UNO has officially been banned from now until forever.
That dog was the best thing i ever touched
Girl, that was the lost night of 2012 for me and I have buried that night deep deep away..
For the sake of my mom, I can't sleep with two guys with the same name. She has a hard enough time keeping up as it is
he just kept texting even after we lit his shoelaces on fire. he just calmly walked into the pool... still texting.
nothing like having plan b for breakfast in a cvs parking lot before ordering this semester's textbooks
I never thought my Saturday night would end up with someone crawling around my carpet for 3 hours trying to pick up spilled coke...
I never thought my Saturday night would end up with ME crawling around your carpet for 3 hours trying to save my investment.
If he can't cook well I'm just gonna buy a RealDoll and twenty cats and live my own fucking life
I'm pretty sure the cop knew you were drunk when you tried to light your cigg with a chapstick.
Randomize
